I’m not an astrologer. I’m a huge new-ager-woowoo-tarot-reader-Pagan-witchy person, but I’m not sure about astrology. My mom was an astrologer, so I’m not a total skeptic, either. But I guess I just think that is too much going on in an astrology chart to really systematize it and make it straightforward and consistent. I know, right? I’m a tarot reader and there are 78 cards! But I have been known to look down my nose at readings that use too many cards to answer a rather straightforward question. So, you know, a little consistency.
Anyways! Yes, astrology. I’m not sure about it. But I AM a Virgo. But not JUST a Virgo – but I have FOUR planets in Virgo (Sun, Mercury, Jupiter, and Saturn) and THREE in Taurus (because that’s fun), so obsessively neurotic perfectionism is kind of the basis of my existence – you know, if you believe in that stuff. And if you’ve ever met me, you might become a believer. While I’m not totally convinced myself, it is a handy shorthand way of warning people about some of my shortcomings/superpowers.
To describe myself as a type a personality, detail-oriented, over-achieving, workaholic, hypercritical, and a perfectionist would all have been completely accurate. Add stubborn and relentless to the mix and you have someone who is also extremely endearing. The idiom “second place is just the first loser” was me. If I wasn’t perfect, even if I was the best, then I was a complete failure. And if I wasn’t the best, then I was an absolute embarrassment.
Don’t get me wrong, though – I absolutely did NOT think I was perfect. All this criticism and harshness was only aimed at myself – the majority of other people on the planet were already perfect – born that way. I had somehow incarnated defectively. I was trying to keep up and I was under the ridiculous illusion that being perfect was just a matter of hard work and dedication. I guess this was my internalized version of the original sin.
So the idea of me being “already whole” was so outside of my reality that I do not have the vocabulary to even explain it to you. I didn’t have the conceptual foundation necessary to understand the concept of being inherently whole if you had tried to explain it to me in painfully accurate and explicit detail. That is how foreign and counter-intuitive that idea was to me.
When I got to be in my late teens and as a young adult, when I argued with boyfriends or family members, I was consistently hearing variations on a theme: “You always think you’re so damned perfect!” That was very confusing for me – in my world, I was a hastily patched together collection of flaws attempting to masquerade as a human while everyone else on the planet was perfect and beautiful. It later occurred to me that in holding myself up to such a high standard (set by my perceptions of them), I was making them feel imperfect and that they had to keep up with me (not realizing I was trying to keep up with them), which made THEM feel like a hastily patched together collection of flaws attempting to masquerade as a human!
That’s pretty sad. I mean, it’s tragic. This isn’t sarcasm, it makes my heart hurt.
So I reflected. I never thought the people around me were LITERALLY perfect, I thought they were perfectly balanced – a beautiful artistic blend of strengths and flaws that created something poetic and uniquely human.
I started sharing my experiences. I started talking about what I struggled with. I asked for advice from other people (instead of just books!). I would point out that flaws were a normal part of being human. When people would say “OMG, I’m such an idiot – I can’t believe I said that!” I would say “Or… maybe you’re a human being and you have emotions/get hungry/forget stuff and you had a perfectly normal human reaction that was less graceful than you’d like but nonetheless completely honest?”
The idea that flaws added to who I am instead of subtracted, just like I had always believed about everyone else, was revolutionary for me. It allowed me to relax. It allowed me to accept life with humor. I’ve become a much more laid back and groovy person. When things go wrong, I take them in stride and just roll with it – and as a professional performer and instructor, that’s a pretty useful skill to have. It doesn’t mean I’m not trying to improve myself, but it does mean that I think I’m perfect just how I am and that I am CHOOSING to improve myself and that I don’t feel obligated to.
I still struggle with being obsessive and neurotic. But I make a habit to listen to my hunny more often and chill out. I find the humor in the weird things I do that make no sense to me and cheerfully share them with other people so they can have a chuckle. They’ve got to be good for something, right? But it’s up to me if I went to get rid of these flaws or strengths or if I just want to relax and hang out. I truly believe that we’re all worthwhile and worthy and that we all deserve space in the world – and I’m learning that that includes me, too.
*a storytelling campaign for reclaiming all that we are in the face of oppression. #wholeselfliberation http://www.bit.ly/alreadywhole
